Politely Put: Elders

Picture this: you're 16, you have a date tonight with the girl of your dreams, you bargain your soul with your father so that you can borrow the family car, you pick up your date and head to the movies, on your way home you come to a four-way stop which you cautiously approach knowing the danger that could arise of such traffic obstacles, one other car approaching the same intersection, you clearly have the right-of-way so you proceed, the trust that you put into the oncoming car is fading because you notice that not only is the car not slowing down but it seems as though it is a ghost car due to the absence of a driver behind the wheel. The next thing you know your family station wagon's wood paneling is laying in the intersection and you're trying to figure out how a conductorless Cadillac Coup de'ville slammed into the side of your car and ruined your life. I'll tell you why, it's because the car door of the Cadillac opens up and an elderly woman that has turned into a diametrical smurf emerges from the car (I understand all of you might not have a thesaurus by you so I'm going to explain the definition of a diametrical smurf - a smurf is blue with white hair, where as an older person is white with blue hair). The reason that it seemed like the car was being navigated by a ghost was because the little old lady (I chose her to be a lady, but older men have the same problems as well) could not see over the steering wheel. Now, your father doesn't believe that you did everything in your power to avoid the wreck, the girl doesn't ever talk to you again because wrecks aren't cool, and your social life as you know it is over because you got grounded for so long that you had your wedding in your back yard because you are forbidden to leave the premises of the house until you turn 30. To politely put this, elders (old people) should not be allowed to drive past a certain age of comprehension, and their should be tests for when you reach a certain age that judges your comprehension of driving.

This entire anecdote was a reflection. The girl really never did talk to me again, no girls talked to me during high school, actually. I still blame the diametrical smurf for making the date go so badly, getting me grounded, and ruining my social life.

Oh yeah, here's a picture taken of me and the car right before I left to pick the girl up that night:




Disclaimer: This really did not happen. That really isn't me in this picture. I do own those sandles though.

Dead Serious

I was having a conversation the other day with someone of no importance to you, and I realized that there's a phrase that people use a little light heartedly. We were going deep into conversation about some pretty serious stuff - like how important my blog is to the American civilization or something about ninja babies - and I caught myself using a phrase that contains a deep dark underlying: "dead serious." Let's break down this phrase shall we. Dead - no longer having or seeming to have or expecting to have life. Serious - concerned with important matters rather than play or trivialities. Now then, to put this on a 3rd grade level, the phrase dead serious is implying that something is so important to you that you are comparing it to death. I've stood firm on some pretty serious issues, but there's possible only 3-4 issues I would actually die over. I really want to know why the person that came up with that phrase chose death as the most serious topic to compare. It seems that death isn't really the most serious thing that comes to mind because a lot of people mock and make fun of death these day. I would think that something like Aides, starving African children, or kittens being stuffed in coke bottles would be way more serious of a topic than death. When you look at the crazy things humans do to their bodies or try to endure just to get a rise out of themselves, it actually seems like some people have a complete disregard for death. All the same, I am going to stop using this phrase of death in such a frivolous manner, and I am only going to use it when discussing a topic that I would actually die over. And instead of using unreal terms to express my sincerity on issues that I feel strongly about, I am going to replace it with phrases that would hold an actual equivalence to the matter in which I am discussing.



For instance, Dude-whom-I-am-conversing-with, my son's going to be in the NFL someday, I'm as serious as Aids.

Football Season

I am having some mixed emotions about this upcoming football season. I am so excited it's football season but I'm afraid that I will not be able to enjoy it in it's entirety. You must be thinking, is it because the NFL is not as fun to watch anymore because its becoming less and less action and turning more into a soap opera?... maybe. Is it because college football is becoming more frustrating because you feel unsatisfied at the end of the season due to a controversial bowl system and it seems like the winner is decided more on politics than skill?... maybe. Is it because I'm so jacked up about Oklahoma City getting a basketball team that I just want to skip football season and go straight to basketball?... definitely not. I'm a little worried that I'm not going to be able to enjoy this coming season because I'm afraid to offend my family when I would rather be sitting on my couch in front of my 50" high-definition, 49er loving, Knicks hating, head cracking, sweat showing, baseball mocking, ultimate football system, instead of trolling around the mall shopping for my wifes 788th purse with shoes to match. Now, that is not a bash towards my wife, I'm simply stating that walking around the mall is more of her definition of spending time together. Where as, men could not find anything more attractive in a woman than someone who will sit next to him on a Sunday afternoon and watch the game with their man. Why is it that women do not want their men to watch football? Do woman not like the masculinity of a man? I believe they do, or else God would not have allowed us to have such a dominating characteristic to our personalities. Women need to understand that football is the main source to which a man's masculinity is derived. If men around the country started giving in to the request of their mates to not watch football and to spend more time on their wives, the national masculinity level will gradually start decreasing and men around the country will start getting softer. Numbers in our military would start decreasing because citizens would start being to afraid of confrontation to in-list and then we would have to go back to the drafting system. Looking at it like that, we owe it to our great nation to take a stand, and not give in to the pleas of our wives and to sit on our couch Monday nights and regenerate our body's masculine levels. Whose with me? Who loves their country enough to get rid of their old 20 incher and upgrade to high def?



I'll be at the mall all afternoon so leave a message if you want to take the stand.

A serious thought on Music

I've been thinking lately and I'm trying to figure out what is going on with the Christian music ministry. Christian artist are seemingly losing their influence over our Christian society and and it seems that the more secular artist are gaining influence. I heard a quote that said that an artist that is a Christian is more influential than a Christian artist. Think about it, when was the last time you heard a song from a Christian artist and the words had such an influence over your life that something about you changed. Its strange how a secular artist can throw one prop to God in a song and it changes people lives. I personally believe its because we expect words from Christian artists to be inspirational so we put them on a higher pedestal than other musicians We don't expect much more than a good tune out of a non-Christian artist so whenever we hear one verse about Jesus taking someones "wheel" we look at our lives in a whole new aspect. I think the songs written by Christian artists today are so worried about sounding trendy that they are focusing less on the messages and they are focusing more on album sales. Remember back when Christian bands weren't worried about the trends of the world and they were using their music to reach people rather than using the comfort umbrella of being labeled a Christian artist. I remember when DC Talk's, "Jesus Freak" came out and it was such a new and different sound for Christian music that some churches would preach against it, and yet, it probably reached more people than any other Christian song ever written. We need more Christian artists today to take the stand, be different, and find different ways to influence the community without using their popularity.


As one of the great theologian's of our time, Kanye West, says "Jesus walks."


They can't all be funny people.